Diffraction

The myriad of diffractions
That is my mind
A thousand tiny rainbows
Butterfly wings in the summer’s breeze
Pinprick diamonds with sharp edges
The princess cutts deep
Into illusions of reality
A fragile trinket unbreakable
Transparent opacity
Distorted by light
Split into temperatures
Assembled atoms
Forged by heat and pressure
Transformation is persistence

Don’t Quit

Never quit because someone asks why
Your weird and wonderful hobby
Dancing in the rain
Singing it loud
Hugging a tree
Talk to strange cats
Smell a flower
Buy more fabric
Buy more paint
Even if you don’t know the dress or quilt yet
Even if you cannot yet see the painting

Don’t let others’ ‘Why?’
Stop your joy*





*(Well obviously as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Just in case you are looking for an excuse here.)

A Bad ADHD Day

I hickle-dee-pickled my way through the day
Bumping my toes exclaiming: ‘Au weh!’
Loosing my coffee somewhere in the house
Making a new one to douse my fresh blouse
I rush to a meeting on–Zoom have you guessed?
Before I continue my lost coffee quest
I remember a deadline and curse beep beep bip
Before hyperfocus has me in its very tight grip
After hours in a high productivity zone
My stomach develops a life on her own
And shouts very loudly: ‘You’ve forgotten to eat.’
And drags the rest of my body up on her feet
On my new quest for munchies to stop hunger’s stitch
Guess what? I found my coffee cup on top of the fridge
My phone alarm shouts at me out of the blue
What did I set this for? I haven’t a clue!
Nothing to be done to remember that now
A lunchtime walk will make things better I vow
Just my luck today seems a bit bad
I now look like a duly drowned rat
I sit in my next meeting hair still dripping
The conversations are also less than ripping
That could have been an email
I silently wail
Which I would forget to answer without much fail
At least working from home makes a lot of things better
I don’t have to pretend that noises don’t matter
The office clocks ticking, pens clicking
In general all the people’s noise emitting
An email pings, my emotions cow
‘Oh no, what have I done wrong now?’
Or forgotten, lost, broken, maybe misplaced
Oh check this out! Someone is sending me praise!
I cry for a little
Yes, I can be that brittle
Taking a sip from the cup I hold
Yerch that coffee is now really cold

I have been accused of being Neurotypical

Not a poem needed a bit of a rant. So here it is.

Now that was a new one. My first proper Twitter tiff … after 10 years or so not bad I would say. The person had asked why I didn’t like that us rainbow-brains (ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia etc) are called learning disabilities. So silly me did not check their profile before answering–otherwise I would not have. They make a business (speaker and writer) out of their ‘learning disabilities’, which is fair enough in principle. Being a champion, promoting strategies and support, and being able to use this to support your living is wonderful.

In principle.

It turns sour though, the moment this champion-hood becomes a tokenistic self-proliferation. And the person was so eager to pick a fight so show to the world how much they defend their corner, that they never even bothered to click on my Twitter profile, which clearly has the hashtag on it. And immediately shouted in typing–you know the way internet trolls do this, telling me off for not having a learning-disability. (I agree I have ADHD and clearly this has not stopped me from learning). And then went immediately into some sort of abuse aimed at one of the people they so prolifically claim to defend and support–and sell their books to.

One of the things I thought was interesting was that their first reaction was to state that there is no shame in that medical diagnosis. Hm. Strange. I have not mentioned shame or anything. I think learning disability is an outdated term, that implies a deficit discourse, and is not a helpful framing of the amazing world of rainbow brains. Anyway, shame was not on my mind, but on theirs. Now I can only see two reasons:
first is that this is a go to phrase for their business brand as the defender of neurodiversity or
second, that they actually do feel shame and hence the emotional overreaction to the points I made.
If the latter that would make me feel sad but also once again makes my point that the terminology is not helpful.

The other aspect I wondered about if the label of disability is good for their business as it helps them to continue the discourse of victimisation, and hence justifies them as a defender of the weak, the meek, and needy, instead of empowerment. And the deficit model this is based on works much better as a marketing tool (I need to add in their specific case, because of their business, not as a generalisation)? Am I being too cynical? The only reason to keep the disability label would be for legal protection and right to support in the workplace. But I so loathe the label. Why are we so keen to put people into shiny tiny boxes? Why don’t we celebrate diversity and make sure to create a society that is more accessible?

Failure Poetry

So the last couple of days I was at a conference and one of the key note speaker made us either draw a picture or write a poem. Yeah of course I wrote a poem. The caveat was it had to be a poem about failure. And as you might know I always struggle with the failure discourse around having ADHD so my poem focused on that:

I fail to adhere to
Rules
Expectations
Norms
Often

Don’t ask me to
Squish
Wiggle
Squirm
Into

A place that doesn’t fit
Let me dance in the falling leaves
Ride on thunderstorms
Weave webs of compassionate togetherness

But do not
Not ever
Put me on a leash

All Edges

I am always all edges

Grating

Scratching

Upsetting

Not fitting in

I am always all edges

Saying the wrong things

Too much

Too straight

No filter

I am always all edges

Strong colours

Strong bones

Strong mind

Strong willed

I am always fighting

Windmills

Sometimes

Enemies

But they are mostly dead now

Sometimes

I wish

For a little bit

For a day or so

I could just blend in

Be a chameleon

Pretend I know how to hack this life thing

Raw

Raw so that your skin burns
Raw when the child turns
Raw when you remember

Raw so that the tears flow
Raw when the pains grow
Raw when you see love go

Raw so that you can’t feel
Raw when the wounds heal
Raw when you forget

Raw so that the time is slow
Raw when friends won’t show
Raw when you stop grow

Just White Noise

White noise
Everywhere

Inside me
Outside you

White Noise
Permeates life

Can’t think
Can’t feel

White noise
Screaming silence

Too much in
No filter out

White noise
No escape

Until at night
You wrap your arms around me

ADHD Emotional Pain

When you feel like a fraud because you can’t just:

Just answer that email
Just take that call
Just hear what he is saying
Just remember what she just asked you to do
Just not cry before a meeting
Just call customer service
Just not feel as if you are making it up
Just not feel helpless
Just pay the bills
Just not forget lunch in the fridge for weeks
Just not have burning skin because of too much

Just not be muddled
Just not be messy
Just not be moody

Just not have a rotten banana in your backpack since before Christmas
Just not have an anxiety attack in a meeting

Just be normal?
Be normal!
Be normal!

Not feel like a drama queen
Not feel as if you are constantly asking for things others don’t need
Not be so emotional ALL THE TIME
Not question your sanity after trying to scan your staff card at the water cooler
Not have brain fog
Not have ALL the emotions

Did I mention the emotions?

#ADHD Way of Life