Tag: cPTSD

Maelstrom



skin and flesh are imperfect vessels for the maelstrom at the centre

at random 

bouts of anger burst forth 

tears, anxiety

yet the spinning won’t slow

barely contained by physical reality 

I bounce like Tigger just not as cute 

nothing is cute about me

not even the pink nail polish

so all that remains is to shout in bright colours and poetic forms

lest you fear the wounded child grown

into a woman with tallons as sharp as her pen and poignat as herself-loathing

fear not the artist but the art

for it can destroy silences

This is a mixed media art Sketchbook image. To the left is a sketch of a woman with words across her face such as, through the eyes of a child. The poem is written in white ink over the black background The right side is again back background with white stars of different sizes and a negative sketch of a hand showing the middle finger with one pink nail

Unsaid

I pulled the edge of freezing
And found more freezing
More quiet
Thicker blankets to hide underneath

Normally my MO is fight
Not flight, freeze, fawn
But this time

Not sure how to be frozen
Or how to unfreeze
This is new

The clusterfuck changed nothing
But letting one run wild with global somatic activation
Not protecting them
Not protecting me

Now let’s all move on
With a festering wound open
My voice ignored
My flashbacks
You did not even react
Nothing

I do not count
You do not want to hear my voice
Because if you would listen
You would have to look into the mirror

It is all about the dramatic espousing of self-righteousness
Masterful manipulation
Nothing to pin down
To explicitly bring forward
That’s all I learned

On Monday
About you both

You dramatically raised you hands
Shouting you made mistakes
I am curious
What mistakes you think you made
I never thought you did
All I thought was that your wounded child responded
In survival mode

What I find most bizarre is that you cannot see me at all
Instead you act upon some strange imagination a figment of who I am
A warped chimera only real inside your head
But you are scared of me
Because I do see You

Forgiveness is not my job

Forgive her, him, them
What for?
Healing? 
Pish!
Closure?
Posh!
Peace of mind?
Ha!

Let go
Let go of all that is not yours to carry
Shame, hate, pain, anger, violence
Send it back 
Send it back

Return to sender
What's mine is mine
What's yours is yours

Don't fret
Ponder
Rumage
Let go
Set yourself free 

But forgiveness?
Forgive yourself always!
Forgive them, him, her?
Not your job.
None of your business!
That his, her, their soul work to undertake

None of your business

Set yourself free
By claiming you
Your youness
Your power
Your light
Your strength
Your happiness

Unburden yourself 
From carrying the weight of the perpetrator
It's not yours to carry
It's not your path to walk
They wanted you to 
To join them in darkness
To join them in pain
To join them in shame
To follow their insanity
Just 
Do 
Not 
Walk this path

Choose 
Choose freedom
Choose your own path
And let go
You are not obliged to forgive
Send this back to 
Them, her, him